Are You Ready?

This seems to be the question I hear most lately. Everyone can tell I'm near the end, if not from the size of this baby, then from the painful way I waddle around. Last Wednesday at church I got what I think of as a "Southern Smile" from an older woman who passed me. It's like she was saying, "Oh, honey, you sure look like you should have had that baby already, and I sympathize with you."

Am I ready? The short answer is: NOPE. I am most definitely not ready.

I have done this twice before. I should be more confident, feel more prepared. That's what I've been telling myself, at least. In reality, I know more what I'm up against this time. I know what it's like to get a spinal tap, how creepy it is that I can feel pressure and them setting tools on my legs even if I can't actually feel the pain, what it's like to not be able to hold my baby right away or be able to get out of bed that first day to go to her when she cries, how painful it is to stand the first time after the surgery, and all of the other things that really suck about a c-section. I know how exhausting that first month is going to be and how hard nursing is on me. I know all this - I should be able to prepare. When do I get to feel like I've got this covered?

But the truth about all of it is, the more I do this whole mothering thing, the more I'm convinced that I never could be "ready". For any of it.

Oh we make plans, and I think goals are good. But I can remember many a stupid thing I said before I had kids, or before I had my kids get to a certain age. I think I can know what I'll do or how I'll feel, and then I get to those moments and a lot of the time find that I'm just winging it. It's the same for the good moments. I know the the moment I hold that baby girl for the first time, I am going to feel more love than I could imagine. But it came as a shock the first time I held Lily, and the same the first time I held Penny. I'm sure it will be the same with Evelyn. I'm going to be blown away in a moment by how much love can squeeze into my heart.

So how do I, an imperfect and broken person, ever become ready to steward another human being? I've been lying to myself by thinking I could be ready. I don't NEED to be ready. All God asks is that I be willing. Willing to give these 3 amazing girls everything I've got, no matter how incompetent I feel. Willing to love Him first and trust that He'll fill in the gaps where I fail. Willing to give myself grace that He offers in the times when I am in pain and exhausted. Willing to drop my pride, know that I don't have to be the best at everything related to motherhood, and just follow where He leads me.

Lily's 5th Birthday

Lily turns 5 today, and I could not be more proud of her. She is equal parts thinker and feeler - so smart and so kind, and she loves her Jesus.

Last Saturday we had a surprise birthday party for her. She had requested a Halloween themed party, because she is anything but ordinary. This is my child who will spend an hour discussing Ebola with me and looking up microscopic pictures of it online.

I did everything I could to make it what she wanted, but I had to deny one request. She has never watched X-Files, but Clay and I binge watch it on Netflix after she goes to bed, and she will run out when she hears the theme song and claim it's her favorite song and request that we play it at her party. I don't think anyone would have appreciated the X-Files theme song on constant loop for hours, so we had to do without.

I greeted everyone and hid them, while her daddy walked her over.

She had a lot of wonderful friends who showed up to surprise her.

All the kids came in dress up and we had a scavenger hunt to look for candy.

Clay grilled while the kids swam, then we had dirt worm cupcakes and Lily opened presents.

    

She has been counting down every day for the last month until the day she gets to turn 5. She was so excited this morning.

We love her so much and can't wait to see what this next year holds for her.

Penny's 2nd Birthday

Penny turned 2 yesterday. I started the day in Atlanta and flew home in the morning. I was sad not to get to be there to wake her up, but Clay called me from the car. She said "MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY", and I said, "Yes, Penny?" and she said "CANDY BIRTHDAY!!! I guess Clay let her start the day with a dose of candy.

I picked up her cake when I was in town, and then I went to pick up her and Lily from school after their nap time. She was very happy with her puppy cake and kept sticking out her tongue to imitate it. I got to spend a few hours with them before we ran to the store to get candles and a balloon. She had requested yellow balloons.

We picked up Clay from work and went straight to Texas for dinner, because the girls love to do the birthday saddle. 

The wait staff was really sweet awesome with both kids.

She ended the night FaceTiming with Nana and Papa.

It was a really great family birthday.

Binder Clips

Several months ago, Clay handed me 4 binder clips attached to each other in different sizes. He said, "It's our family in binder clips." It was so sweet - I saved them on my desk.

When I found out I was pregnant several weeks ago, that was on of the first things I thought about, and I wanted to use it to tell Clay.

I was leaving town for a meeting a few hours away that morning, but I swung by his office in my rental car and asked him to run out to see me off.

These are the clips I put together in a box for him.

Here he is saying, "oh, you kept them" and hasn't realized what is happening yet.

This is after I told him, "It's our family. In binder clips." That's when he looked harder and saw the addition.

It's funny - after doing this a couple times already, you'd think he'd be over the surprise, but he still had a hard time believing it. I guess neither of us expected it to happen so quickly.

I'm in that super tired beginning stage where I am always hungry or nauseous or somewhere in between. And usually when I do eat, I get turned off by whatever it is a few bites in.

The symphysis pubis dysfunction that I had with Penny is back. Or I guess I should say that it never went away. I've still had a lot of hip pain in the last two years, and it started to get worse as soon as I got pregnant. Now I'm in physical therapy twice a week because one hip is always higher than the other and each side of my pelvis is twisted in a different direction than the other. They are hoping to manage it so it doesn't get so bad this time.

Penny knows where the baby is if you ask her, but I'm sure she doesn't grasp the situation yet. Lily is SUPER excited.

She has decided that the baby is definitely a boy and that his name is John. She will look at pictures of what the baby looks like during whatever week I am in for long periods of time and talk about how cute and tiny the baby is. She is excited to teach Penny how to be a big sister.

Boy or girl? That is the question we hear most often. In the past, Clay and I  wanted all girls. We are to a place now where a boy would be exciting, so we can definitely say that either is fine with us. However, sometimes I still want all girls out of pure rebellion - everyone thinks I am trying for a boy.

We are so excited for another baby. Clay, in particular, has had baby fever for quite a while. This morning we had our first ultrasound:

The baby looked like a little teddy graham - so cute.

I'll most likely give birth on January 29th, since they are very strict about c-section dates.

After those first 5 years of struggling with infertility, we are so thankful every time God allows us to have a baby. I know I will never take it for granted.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

Lily's 4th Birthday

It doesn't seem possible that Lily's turning 4 today. 

She is a crazy ball of energy. She isn't afraid of anything - she actually enjoys scary things - it's like it has no affect on her. She loves bugs and creepy crawlies and super heroes as much as she loves dressing up and pretending to be a princess. She is obsessed with holidays. She will watch Halloween and Christmas cartoons on Netflix all year. She is very helpful and loves her sister. Every day she wants to give Penny a "snuffle". She asked Jesus into her heart this year, participated in her first communion recently, and is always having discussions with us about what it means to be a Christian. She is a bit legalistic. She tells Clay and I what we can or can't say/do because it is too much like some other banned word/activity. But she is very loving. One of my favorite things is to hear her say how much she loves EVERYONE. She is always asking, "Can I see your hand, mommy?" And then she will hold it and give it a kiss. She started preschool choir at church, and she sings to her cd constantly in the car. She is unofficially in VPK, and is doing so well starting to learn to put letters together and read words. One of the things I love about her school is that they do reading one-on-one, so she gets to progress at her own pace. She loved watching the World Cup with her daddy. They would pick opposite teams to cheer for and root against each other. Now she makes me kick the soccer ball with her outside ;)

Saturday, the 13th, we had a party for her at our pool. It was the first party where she basically made the list of friends herself and we invited HER friends, instead of our usual family friends. It was Spider-man themed, because she has been obsessed with him for about 6 months now. She is always pretending to use her "web-shooters".

Spider-man masks:

Lots of excitement over a skirt her Aunt Jodi sent her:

Aunt Jodi also sent her Sleeping Beauty, which she loves ever since seeing Maleficent:

Finally, she owns her own web shooter!

(In other news, I accidentally shot the ceiling of our living room with it, which is cathedral type, so I'm not sure how that is ever going to get cleaned....)

Spider-man nigh light:

She got two dresses - Ariel and Frozen themed, with matching jewelry:

She took advantage of 3 different presents at bedtime - Batman pajamas, her new tent, and Sleeping Beauty.

If possible, she is even more excited about today than the day of her party. On the way to school this morning she said, "I'm having a really good birthday." She'd only been awake for 45 minutes. She got to bring cupcakes to her class, and we are going to one of her favorites, "the peanut eat store" (Texas Roadhouse) for dinner. She doesn't know she will get to sit on the saddle while they sing to her - she will be so excited. We saved the part of her cake that says "Lily" for tonight.

I love that girl so much. I waited 5 years to get her, and she is more amazing that I ever could have dreamed. I thank God for every day He lets me have with her.

Penny Turns 1

We had a party for Penny's first birthday on Saturday. I actually did some crafts, mainly with a $6 pack of scrapbook paper. 

My friend Marsha made the smash cake and cupcakes. She is super talented.

 She napped afterwards at home and then opened her presents.

Fake drinking out of her new cup:

Other pictures from her 12th month:

Mommy's not allowed to work without getting her laptop eaten.

 Battling double pink eye.

At one year, she is so fun to be around. She loves playing in blankets - hiding in them, holding them up like a beard, just laying on them. She is a big snuggler. She knows when she is about to get in trouble and she will start running as fast as she can before we can grab her. She loves holding books, carrying them around, and flipping the pages herself. Her head is still super tiny which makes her look younger than she is. She is super ticklish. She sleeps 11-13 hours a night. She eats pretty much anything. She giggles all the time and has learned to blow kisses. She is a JOY.