This seems to be the question I hear most lately. Everyone can tell I'm near the end, if not from the size of this baby, then from the painful way I waddle around. Last Wednesday at church I got what I think of as a "Southern Smile" from an older woman who passed me. It's like she was saying, "Oh, honey, you sure look like you should have had that baby already, and I sympathize with you."
Am I ready? The short answer is: NOPE. I am most definitely not ready.
I have done this twice before. I should be more confident, feel more prepared. That's what I've been telling myself, at least. In reality, I know more what I'm up against this time. I know what it's like to get a spinal tap, how creepy it is that I can feel pressure and them setting tools on my legs even if I can't actually feel the pain, what it's like to not be able to hold my baby right away or be able to get out of bed that first day to go to her when she cries, how painful it is to stand the first time after the surgery, and all of the other things that really suck about a c-section. I know how exhausting that first month is going to be and how hard nursing is on me. I know all this - I should be able to prepare. When do I get to feel like I've got this covered?
But the truth about all of it is, the more I do this whole mothering thing, the more I'm convinced that I never could be "ready". For any of it.
Oh we make plans, and I think goals are good. But I can remember many a stupid thing I said before I had kids, or before I had my kids get to a certain age. I think I can know what I'll do or how I'll feel, and then I get to those moments and a lot of the time find that I'm just winging it. It's the same for the good moments. I know the the moment I hold that baby girl for the first time, I am going to feel more love than I could imagine. But it came as a shock the first time I held Lily, and the same the first time I held Penny. I'm sure it will be the same with Evelyn. I'm going to be blown away in a moment by how much love can squeeze into my heart.
So how do I, an imperfect and broken person, ever become ready to steward another human being? I've been lying to myself by thinking I could be ready. I don't NEED to be ready. All God asks is that I be willing. Willing to give these 3 amazing girls everything I've got, no matter how incompetent I feel. Willing to love Him first and trust that He'll fill in the gaps where I fail. Willing to give myself grace that He offers in the times when I am in pain and exhausted. Willing to drop my pride, know that I don't have to be the best at everything related to motherhood, and just follow where He leads me.
