It has been a whirlwind of a month. It all started when my dad got sick. He was very sick back in May and we never figured out why. He got sick, with apparently the same thing, a week before my c-section was scheduled. A couple days later he was so bad that he had to go into the ER where he ended up being admitted. He had severe jaundice and an enlarged spleen and liver. He was in the hospital for 11 days, and it took them most of that time to figure out that he had an allergic reaction to levaquin, an antibiotic, that was the cause of everything. While they were running tests, they found cancer in his kidney.
Sunday, 2 days before my surgery, I was at church and everyone was asking about him. Compassion always makes me cry, even when I thought I had it all together. So everyone's questions and concerns were making me emotional and I could barely look anyone in the eye. Clay and Lily stayed for the service, and I decided to leave and go to the hospital after our life group class. On the way, I spoke to my mom on the phone and she said she would talk to me when I got there. That's when I knew.
We had been told the day before that he had a mass in his kidney but that it was most likely harmless. The fact that I knew my parents had something to tell me when I got there was an immediate clue that the mass was most likely NOT harmless. I cried all of the way to the hospital and I was still pretty much a wreck in the lobby. I prayed all the way up the elevator. I knew my dad was about to tell me he had cancer, and I knew I was his only child he would be telling in person. As hard as it would be, I wanted to react in a way that would be easy for him. My mom and gramma were both at the hospital when he found out, and I was the only family member whose face he would see when he had to actually say it. I managed to be completely calm by the time I got to his room. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I made a joke and I didn't cry. He was obviously drained at this point from telling people, so he asked me to call and tell my sister. That was another of the hardest things I have ever done.
The good news through it all is that we were reminded of how God takes care of us. Had my dad not gotten so sick, they would never have found the cancer. It was completely unrelated to his illness, and they stumbled across it during one of his random tests. They found the cancer very, very early, so the prognosis is very good.
Lily snuggles with Papa while watching a video.
By this point, I had spent every free moment I had in the hospital. I had gone from anxious every moment to finally have the baby to sometimes forgetting that I was even supposed to be having one. Clay was amazing watching Lily any time I felt like I needed to be with my dad. My friends were amazing. I even had a couple come clean my apartment before I had the baby. We were really blessed by the community of Christians we know.
The day of the c-section finally came, and I sat in OB triage wishing I could go upstairs and see my dad real quick beforehand. When they called my name, Clay and I got up to follow and I felt really weak and light headed. Nowadays they make you shower at the hospital before the c-section and stand for 10 minutes with antibacterial soap on your stomach. I felt like I was going to pass out the whole time. I thought maybe I was hungry from not having breakfast. I had to sit down and my hands were shaking and I had to sit down to sign all the paperwork. The nurse had me get in bed to start my IV and I told her something was wrong. She walked me through deep breathing so I could relax. When my doctor came in, she told her what had happened and they asked me if I were afraid of needles. I said I wasn't but that I had a very stressful week and I broke down. Apparently I had a small panic attack because of the stress I had been feeling, but after I talked about it for a minute, I felt much better. Then I went back for my spinal block. Let me tell you, a spinal block is a very strange experience. I could still feel the nurses and doctors touching me, but I couldn't feel hot/cold or pain. I loved my doctors who were doing the surgery, and I talked to them and Clay the whole time. Penny was born at 9:41 am. I cried as soon as I heard her cry. I got to hold her with Clay's help while they were sewing me up. She was so small - 7 pounds, 4 ounces and 19 inches long. My mom and Gramma were able to come over and visit later when I was in my hospital room.
A couple hours later we got a call from Lily's preschool saying she had a rash. She had broken out in terrible hives. Clay had to leave me and take her to the doctor. He advised that it was hives but said we should not take her to the hospital. This caused a whole new level of drama, because that meant she could not come meet her sister as we had planned, and that I could not see her for a couple days. She wasn't allowed to go to school for 2 days either, and since we were in the hospital, we didn't know who would watch her. Clay couldn't leave me for a whole day to watch her, because I still could hardly stand on my own. Again, we had great friends step up and help us out with her for 2 days.
On Thursday afternoon, my older brother who lives in Los Angeles, suddenly walked into my hotel room. It was such a huge surprise. It lifted all of our spirits.
My dad was finally released the Sunday following Penny's birth. She was 5 days old when he got to hold her. It was such an emotional moment for me.
She is now going on 2 weeks old. I thought time flew with the first one, but it is even faster with the second.
She is having a lot of nursing issues, and I have shed many, many tears over it. I had so many issues with nursing Lily and losing my milk that I was determined to do it right this time. I've spent many moments crying and wondering why I can't properly feed my children. I've had 3 meetings with a lactation consultant trying to get her to latch properly, but at her 1 week checkup she was down a whole pound from birth. I finally started pumping and supplementing with formula when I don't get enough. Right now I can get about 2/3 of what she needs. Yesterday, I went to see my mom for lunch and happened to run into a friend. I shared with her that I was having nursing struggles, and she said she had problems because her daughter had lip-tie. I had never heard of this before. When my mom visited that night, we were talking about how not only could Penny not latch, but she also seemed to have some struggles with a bottle - she is always causing the tip to collapse and you have to be diligent about it when feeding her. She also has a hard time keeping a pacifier in her mouth, and after she sucks on something, her top lip is really red. That's when the conversation from that morning came back to me. I looked in her mouth and saw that she had what appears to be the most extreme level of lip-tie. Her top lip is not able to flip up when she eats. In a way it has been a huge relief for me. I have felt like less of a woman and less of a mother because I couldn't manage to breastfeed my children. I know that's not true, but sometimes what you know doesn't change how you feel. I especially couldn't believe this was happening to me again. I wanted so badly for it to work this time. It is good to at least know that there is a reason that doesn't involve me just being incompetent. I looked in Lily's mouth this morning and found that she has lip-tie also. For now I am pumping - every 2 hours throughout the day and every 3 hours at night. I am tied to that machine right now. Pretty much every decision I make is based around when I have to pump next.
Despite all of this craziness, Penny has been amazing. She is so sweet and so cute. She makes the most precious little noises. She hates having her diaper changed, and that is pretty much the only time she cries. I hate that she is having these struggles, though. I see her little lip turn red, and I wonder how much drinking a bottle or using a pacifier is uncomfortable for her. We are hoping to find a doctor who can deal with this issue soon.
Little sleep smile.
Passing her hearing test.
She tries so hard to keep that paci in.
Penny has been such a joy through all of this and I am so happy she is finally here. Lily is very much in her personal space, of course. She wants to hold and touch her constantly. Other than being slightly more clingy to me than normal, she doesn't seem to be very affected by her sister being born.
My girls look so much alike, it's crazy.
I am thankful I have been blessed with the most amazing husband. Clay has been so strong and so supportive throughout all of this. Even when he is stressed or low on sleep he has been there for me. It has been a trying time, but also a a time when I have been shown over and over how God will provide for and support me and my family.
I am so happy to have my second little girl, no matter the circumstances. Every time I look at her I smile.
