Clay and I dropped Lily at her preschool this morning, and another mom was on her way out of the door at the same time. She looked at us and triumphantly said, "Freedom!" I gave her a tight smile back - I'm sure all of those who know me can picture exactly what that looks like - haha! For those of you that may not know me as well, let's just say I have a hard time faking it when I completely disagree with someone. I know that parents need at least some time away from their children, but I just couldn't join in with her excitement.
When Lily was born, everyone told me that the first week back at work would be the hardest. But, the first day, I didn’t cry or anything. I was inexplicably okay with the entire situation. I was always very excited on my way to pick her up at the end of the day – like I couldn’t get to her fast enough. But, while at work, I was fine. I thought, “Hey - I can have it all!” - my career, my husband, my beautiful child.
Then I started reading. It started with "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp, then came “Raising a Godly Daughter in an Ungodly World” by Vicki Courtney. These were followed by “Bringing Up Girls” by Dr. Dobson. Slowly my responsibility was dawning on me. Of course I always knew that raising a child would be a huge responsibility, but I was beginning to really grasp the full concept of how every decision I make would impact my child’s life. I began to dream about all the things I wanted to teach her, and that’s when it hit me – When am I going to have the time for all of this? I feel like I barely get any time with her each evening. The feeling of wanting, no needing, to be at home crept up on me until I couldn’t hide from it any more.
I was hit by a new realization – do I even believe that women should work? I can hear all the feminists gasping. Let me preface this by saying that I am not a feminist, and if you want to debate the fact that I believe that feminism has played a role in highly sexualizing our society and that I do not believe in bikinis, most forms of dancing, many types of exercise classes, a woman’s right to choose, or beauty pageants, that can wait for another time. I believe in the Bible, and the role it describes for women. I believe in modesty, kindness, grace, and, hold onto your seat belts modern women – submission, and being a helpmeet to my husband. (Let me mention modesty one more time, just for good measure, because it’s a personal pet peeve of mine, I could write a book on how I feel about it, and also I’m pretty sure our culture has forgotten that the word exists.)
So, do I think it’s wrong to work outside of the home? No, or I would quit right now. Society today doesn’t give many of us a choice. But do I think God formed women to be ideally qualified to raise children at home? – yes. So that leaves me in a place where I have to rectify what is possible for me and what I would prefer to do. I wonder why God has laid this desire on me if it's not possible - maybe it will be in the future. I dream about being at home with my little girls (hopefully there will be 2 one day). I wish for the weekend all week. The weekend is amazing - I don't have to sacrifice time with her in order to get everything done. I wonder what it would be like if that were every day instead of just 2. The 11 days I was off during Christmas were nothing short of glorious, and it was so hard to come back to work. She changed so much in that time and I got to be there for all of it.
I am still excited every day when we go pick her up - a little too excited. I get annoyed if Clay takes too long getting in the car, or if there is traffic. I delayed picking up a prescription for a 3 days this week because I didn't want to lose a precious 15 minutes with her in the afternoon. I walk much faster into the building to get her than I do when I am dropping her off. I'm glad she has such a great teacher, because I linger every morning, not wanting to leave.
God has placed this desire on my heart, and I struggle with why. I pray that one day it will be possible for me to stay home with my children, and that in the meantime I can find some form of contentment with not being able to.
I am still excited every day when we go pick her up - a little too excited. I get annoyed if Clay takes too long getting in the car, or if there is traffic. I delayed picking up a prescription for a 3 days this week because I didn't want to lose a precious 15 minutes with her in the afternoon. I walk much faster into the building to get her than I do when I am dropping her off. I'm glad she has such a great teacher, because I linger every morning, not wanting to leave.
God has placed this desire on my heart, and I struggle with why. I pray that one day it will be possible for me to stay home with my children, and that in the meantime I can find some form of contentment with not being able to.
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